You feel nothing.
You just want to feel something. Maybe not sadness, but something: rage, annoyance, disgust, fear, anger … anything. The reason why you want to feel something is to prove yourself you are still alive.
Now you know why people do extreme things when in reality they are depressed. They are trying to induce a feeling.
You don’t even remember how it is to feel anything other than sad, bland, empty.
You have that crying knot in your throat all the time – it’s a new normal for you.
There were times I’d play ‘Rage against the machine’ or ‘Public enemy’ just to try to get angry or induce some kind of rage-like feeling – anything else but continuous emptiness, sadness. It didn’t help. After a while it became just noise. I was so devoid of any emotions that I wouldn’t even get annoyed. It made no difference.
Depression is your treasonous enemy
This song is from my 4 month long depressive episode in the spring of 2001.
I haven’t listened to Moby since.
This is from my almost 2 year long depression in 2010/2011. I haven’t listened or watched “Drive” ever since:
Then during the Great Depression of 2013/2014 I completely stopped listening to music. Which is great because I have less to avoid today.
2017 – 2019 were completely off the charts in terms of my mental state. It culminated towards the end of 2018 and exploded in the summer of 2019. Every type of music would trigger a downward spiral, so I mostly focused on one dimensional beats. They were my anchor to the land so I don’t drown in the sea. I was hanging by a thread for like two years… These are the ‘anchor’ songs, which do remind me of that period, but I can handle them.
… or these:
*Don’t listen to these videos, they are sad af!
You know that thing when you want to scream from top of your lungs “I just wanna die already” but you can’t because everyone would freak out and you’d ruin their day?
The thing is – you don’t wanna really do it, you just want someone to pay attention and hear you out, hear about how you feel and help you somehow so you don’t feel that way any more. That sadness that just tires you oh so much…. perhaps would give you a rest.
You just want someone to be there, empathise with you and make you feel you are not a burden to them no matter how long it takes you to get all that crap out of you head.
– Am I right? Am I? – You know I am.
But there is no one there. Not a single person will understand you. If you do force it on them, you’ll lose your credibility (if you ever had any). If you don’t force that talk, you are going crazy. Then you think you could post some subliminal crap on Facebook and the right person would read between the lines:
“Life is shit”
“So tired of this hurricane in my head”
“I just want to end it all”
“Why is nobody listening?”
“I need help!”
And what if you don’t get any attention? Like, no reaction, no comments, nothing?
That’ll make you feel even worse. Then you think to yourself … “How can I say I am depressed but make it funny?”
Ok, so you do make it funny. You do couple of ‘ha ha’ and if you are lucky one ‘are you okay?’. What are you gonna say then? – You’ll say something cryptic like ‘Ah, you know, life…” and that will be the end of it.
So what have you accomplished? – Nothing.
Why? – Because nobody cares.
So what do you do then? – Turn to groups and pages where people with depression hang out. They will understand you. But they cannot help you.